Menu
Psychology articles
Why divorcees make great partners
Is your relationship past its expiry date?
What does it mean if he keeps photos of his ex?
Is your man in love with you?
Perfume as a seduction tool
Facebook and divorce
How to mend a broken heart
The thin line between love and hate
12 things men think we know
How to deal with a bipolar family member
4 signs that you're too dependent on your partner
Get serious - not serial
Is he more likely to cheat during pregnancy?
Are you a love addict?
Surviving sports fever
EX-cruciating exes
The friends you don't want
The key to a balanced relationship
Does your man have “Peter Pan” syndrome?
Five tips to get out of a relationship rut
Get married, stay married, live longer
Together for love or convenience?
How to be your own best friend
Staying sane when living with family
The key to a balanced relationship
Leading authority on human behaviour, speaker and author of the book – The Heart of Love, Dr John Demartini, explains how to stabilise your relationship and maintain balanced love.

Unrealistic fantasies

The biggest causes of relationship breakdowns are from idealisms and romantic fantasies.

We tend to search for the perfect relationship, but as long as we set unrealistic ideals and project them onto our partners, we will live in quiet desperation, feel resentment, emotional swings and be constantly disappointed when they don’t live up to our unrealistic expectations.

These ideals often come from Hollywood movies and bedtime stories that end in “happily ever after". You imagine everyone around you is experiencing the fairytale, but you.

Women tend to fantasise about the knight in shining armour or Brad Pitt. When they end up with a regular guy with a beer belly, they subconsciously punish him for it because he doesn’t match their fantasy.

Men have their fantasies too. Their ideal women need to look like the centre spread of Playboy. However, going after this dream will cost him love if he stays and money if he goes.

Balanced relationships

The most successful relationships are ones that are balanced with equal amounts of support and challenge.

We need this equilibrium of positive and negative in order to grow and evolve. It is therefore crucial to understand that we all own and display all personality traits such as generous and mean, kind and cruel, considerate and inconsiderate etc., in equal quantities.

Too often we expect our partner to be a one-sided being – only kind and considerate, but this will only lead to frustration, disappointment and withdrawal when your partner inevitably expresses the other side.

It is wiser to ask the question: “do I have the trait for which I am judging my partner?” and “how does my partner expressing that trait benefit me in my day-to-day life?”

As soon as you break through the limitation of your unrealistic expectation and perception, you will assist your relationship to grow in maturity and mutual appreciation.

Identifying and understanding your and your partner's values

Understanding values is essential for dissolving conflict and achieving a balanced and loving relationship.

When I talk about values I don’t mean classical socialized morals and ethics, I’m referring to the things you hold most valuable in your life. Everybody lives according to a unique hierarchy of values, which are generally determined by the actions we take.

Values are like fingerprints. No two people have the same set of values and none are right or wrong.

What’s highest on your hierarchy of values is where you tend to dominate; you are most focused, knowledgeable, confident, energetic, interested and ordered.

What is lower down on your list of values is where you are undisciplined, disinterested, unfocused and you tend to procrastinate.

For an understanding relationship can you see how imperative it is to identify yours and your partner’s values? It will assist both of you to communicate more effectively and feel a deeper connection with each other.

It is important to understand that when your partner is supporting your highest values you will label them “good” or “terrific” and you will feel affection for them. When your partner is challenging your highest values, you will label them “bad” or “terrible” and you will feel resentment towards them.

Can you, therefore, see why relationships are continually oscillating between peace and war – both of which make up true and complete love?

Spousal domination

Spouses only appear to dominate over each other, but in reality, we are stronger and dominant in our highest values and weaker and submissive in our lowest values.

For example, if a man’s highest values are business and money, he will dominate in those areas. If a woman’s highest values are children and the home, she will dominate in those areas.

This can be a balanced situation and lead to a lasting relationship if the resulting dynamics are well understood.

Careless, careful or caring

There are three types of relationships, but one of them is more stable.

You have the careless relationship where you project and focus on your own values without considering your partner’s.

Then there is the careful relationship. This is when you think in terms of your partner's values without considering your own. This relationship often feels like you are walking on eggshells.

The third type is the caring relationship and is one where you communicate your values equally in terms of your partner’s values.

Lastly, when you set realistic expectations according to true values and you learn to love and appreciate who you’re with, they turn into who you love.

Print
How to have a fight-free holiday
How to deal with an obsessed ex lover
Living together before marriage
WIN! with The Bedroom!
She asked ME to marry HER...
How to identify an abusive relationship
Help, I'm afraid to leave my abusive man
When jealousy turns scary
Dealing with a jealous sister-in-law
Make your partner feel special
The tao of relationships
WIN! with Virgin Pleasures!
Relationships: the chemistry myth
When your partner has intimacy issues
The art of letting go
Relationships 101
How to cope with a moody partner
Relationships: cutting the ties
Sexy Ever After
Why is he different around his friends?
Friends like these...
I want kids but my partner doesn't
Relationships: making it work
Relationships: weathering the storms
A 30-something’s take on dating
What we can learn from men
The Ex-Files
How to handle a toxic friend
Menu
How to handle a bragging friend
When your mother-in-law moves in
Frogs or princes?
Are you qualified for a relationship?
At what age should you get married?
Help! He cheated with my best friend
Lies men tell us
10 Signs he’s a keeper
Why married women have affairs
Guy friends: the other kind of boyfriend
Are you involved with a narcissist?
Women's surnames - keep hers? Take his?
Can you have too many friends?
What DO men want?
Helping a friend through cancer
Bonding activities for couples
How to get more help at home...
Help! I think he might be gay
How to help a suicidal friend
Five little white lies we tell men
How to know when it’s time to go
He was abused - will he be abusive too?
I kissed a girl
Should you take an ex back?